Leave the Old Life Behind

  I was in my twenties when I first discovered Paganism.  The idea of being this free spirit intrigued me and it was a form of rebellion that would not drive my parents off the edge of a cliff.  The hole I was trying to fill wasn't being filled and I did not have anywhere to turn.  When I married a man that said he was a Christian I tried my best to go to church, attend Bible Study and generally live the Christian "way".  It seemed to never be enough for me and I seemed to be trying way too hard in order to live a life that made Jesus proud of me.  The mystery is that my life was far from a life of victory.  My marriage was unhappy and in fact it was abusive.  My need for everything to be perfect and happy because that is what Christ wanted was getting in the way of victory.  It was not until I went full force back into Paganism, got divorced and married a man that loved me for me that I discovered that true meaning of being a Christian.  
     Barry and I began to go to church because we were in need of a morning routine.  We wanted to stop being lazy on a Sunday morning.  It was Barry that read an article that said married life is better when the family goes to church together.  Our spirituality was bringing more drama and pain then we thought that there needed to be in our spiritual life.  We were both slowly going towards the Christian faith because of the example of our friends.  My personal struggle was seeing that a faith in Jesus didn't mean that I had to be perfect.  The drama of everyday life was still going to be a fact, but it was how we would deal with the drama that set the old and new life apart from one another.  There is more peace.  Forward to this weekend in particular and my goal to be tolerant of other's faith.
     My favorite song writer and vocalist is part of the Pagan community.  Celia Ferran's concerts usually happen in a new age store.  It is a place that I do not shop at anymore because the superficial stuff I don't need to pray.  I only need my hear, mind and soul to pray to the one who created me.  I wanted to go see her in person again.  It had been a couple of years and I knew she had new music that she was promoting.  I got my ticket, sat down in my seat and said hello to persons that I haven't seen since I was in the community.  I noticed something that made me feel uneasy.  They didn't care that I was at the concert.  This maybe my fault because I was feeling insecure and unwilling to say hello myself.  Then I got to thinking that this was God's voice telling me that this was a life no longer for me.  The two hour concert became a one hour concert for me.  When the appropriate time came I got up and went home to see my family.  My mind kept going back and forth to the idea that I paid $15, and I should stay and get my money's worth.  What was God's will for me?  His will is for me to do what his word tells me to do and leave the old life behind because my life has been paid for by Christ's death and resurrection so that my life is made new.

2 Corinthians 5:17
"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

#IamaChristian

I feel pretty beaten down today after last night.  I am so tired of being sick.  It was so bad last night that I unloaded on my family.  I just cried and said things that I didn't mean. 
     What has been going through my mind?  Is this okay to be like this on occasion when I have had enough?  The answer is Yes and No.  No because I could have not called my husband frustrated.  My kids did not need to hear me cry.  I was too tired and over not being well enough to function.  Yes, because life as a Christian isn't going to always be fun time with Jesus.  Things are going to go wrong and people are going to be mad.  Life will suck on occasion.  There is a solution.
     Forgiveness.  First of all, saying your sorry to God and those you love isn't the worst thing in the world. The thing we must remember is that saying your sorry means that it isn't about you.  Those words can come without an answer in return.  Secondly, We have Jesus and if he can forgive us for being total poop butts then we can ask others for forgiveness and forgive ourselves.  Its funny how much we as humans beat ourselves up.  We need to get over it and move on. Thirdly, last night was last night. No I don't feel better and all I want to do is cuddle in my bed, but that will come.  
     In conclusion,  everything is going to be fine.  I will get better and this cookie that I am about to munch down on will taste a little sweeter.  Why?  Because Jesus is awesome and he forgives.

I am FAT

There has been a movement as of late to call women who are plus size the more PC term curvy.  I applaud those women who can go out there and be loud and proud.  The person of me can not do this because the way I look and present myself reflects on my family as well.  I have curves, but I am FAT.
       I know that I am very lucky.  My husband, parents, children and most importantly God will love and accept me for who I am unconditionally.  I can not live like this anymore.  I recently had a hip replacement and if I don't change my ways then I will be back where I was a year ago.  My family nor I can do that again.  I start over once again tonight.  It is actually 1:43am and I am going to need help from God. 

Holiday with No Stress

     I love spending time with my family around the holiday.  In the past it has been absolutely stressful because the ex husband wanted everything to be hallmark picture perfect.  This was never who I needed to or wanted to be in life.  I was okay with this fact. 
     When I married Barry and blended our family we recognized that simplicity would serve us best.  Here are three things that we do our best to stick to.

1.  Remember what the holiday season is about.  God and simply being together.

2.  The meal needs to be simply and it does not need to be a lot of it.  For example, this Thanksgiving we had the traditional turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy and stuffing.  Then a couple of special request.  We also had one cook who was my husband. 

3.  Have fun and do not expect the kids to be perfect. Yes their behavior needs to be what parents would expect but it does not do anyone any good to expect perfection.  Yes we had one kid say something inappropriate and it was quietly taken care of bringing to close so that everyone could have a lovely holiday. 

In conclusion, life is too short and family is to important not to enjoy the day.  Because stress and conflict doesn't honor God nor the family.

Stress over Church

I am completely stressed out over church, yet I really don't think that I should really be all that stressed out over it.  We were going to a nice small church learning about God and our spiritual life as a family.  Then the church that we loved and looked forward to merged into another pastor's small group.  My husband and I were completely taken aback by the change its been hard to bounce back from the disappointment.  We are searching.  I have watched the online service and I am not impressed by the music or the preaching.  My hopes are that it is different in person tomorrow morning.
     I have several times thought that I should put out a Facebook poll about different churches in the area on the site of my family's school system.  I do not want to let our church family know that we are trying out new churches.  UGH!!!!  God help us

Captains of the Ship

 My daughter and son are my world, but I also have my husband.  I have learned from the lesson of a broken marriage that a husband needs to come first sometimes.  This I believe one of the issues of my first marriage that my ex-husband and I did not run the home together as a team.  We were not parenting as one because we were not seeking the needs of each other first.  I know that there are others that believe that children do come first and they do, but one can not parent without the emotional and physical wellness of the parents.  This was something that when I married Barry was top on the list.      The moment that Barry and myself started to plan for forever the talk of how the home in general ran became topic number one.  This meant how we were going to parent each of our own children, step-parenting and rearing the children as a whole would come into play.  Barry likened this crazy wonderful experience to a ship.  We were the captains and we came first.  I can hear the more "liberal" parents out there, "What about the children?" well if Barry and I are not at our best then the ship (the family) goes down.  Barry and I need to take care of our emotional and physical needs first and this means taking over letting the other parent bow out for the night on occasion.  Yes there are times when William, Abby, Triptyn or Matthew might need someone to say, "We are doing what this kid wants to do."  There are times we need to let the children go making it possible for our needs to be met.
     The best example I can give you is the other night when Abby had her Girl Scout bridging.  She wanted to go, but we felt that we needed to be at small group at church.  The church that we call home is changing and we felt that we needed to be at small group making sure we felt comfortable before our family made the change with the church.  I had to allow myself the freedom to know that it is ok for her father to take her to an event by himself.  Also, I do not have to be there for absolutely everything.  She is a big girl and can handle it.  I chose what Barry needed me to do.  We went to small group finding out that the new change is worth the risk.  Things might turn out ok in the end.  I was scared that Abby would be hurt or upset by me not going to the ceremony.  The fact is that she was perfectly fine and had fun with her dad and brother.  As parents we at times have to put each other first and let the kids do what they need to do to fly on their own.  This is also good for single moms who need to find that much needed break.  Parents are the captains of their ship and they will bring their ship over the highest wave reaching calmer waters. 

1 Samuel 17

     We have been through some overwhelming issues as a country and as American families.  One of my favorite radio/TV show host has started a movement for families and the country to face the challenges the country is facing within the next few years not only with faith, but also with the same policy of nonviolence, compassion and prayer as Dr. Martin Luther King seemed to do in the Civil Rights movement.  This movement is to begin on August 28, 2015, meeting in Birmingham, Alabama.  Although, my family and I can not attend I am been diligently participation by the forty day challenge of reading, studying and praying through the Bible passages along with a question and devotional that Glenn post to his Facebook page.  This has lifted my faith in God to where I can see the spiritual influence that has personally effected my life. 
     This week in particular has been rather rough because I have had to accept that life isn't going to always be on the straight and narrow just because I have done the right thing.  For example, my financial aid for school isn't always going to be there for me to use.  I went to the financial aid office to hopefully get something straightened out.  My emotions were running rampant and I could hardly get the words to come out of my mouth.  What I was forgetting was that God is in control and my character was being tested?  I was failing.  When I got home through prayer I was able to concentrate on my next move then again I always took longer than most to learn lesson that I am being taught.  What was the lesson?  It was to remember that all things happen for a reason and everything will be ok.  It took another round of where is my financial aid on the phone tears to get to this point, yet I am ok with whatever happens next week.  I am here at this point because of 1 Samuel 17.  The story where David defeated the Philistine.  David was up against a giant.  If we put this in my experience where financial aid is the giant, philistine army is Ivy Tech and I play the role of David the small kid with a sling shot.  I don't have a sling shot and I don't have a army.  This is where I was wrong.
     I was reading 1 Samuel 17, remembering that my army is my family always supporting and loving.  Who is supporting us all making away for the blessing that we are about to receive.  Its God.  It was David's faith in a living God that made it possible to defeat the giant. It is with my family's love and support created by the living God that will help me defeat my giant of the emotion connected to the idea of going to school this semester.  I may not attend next week or the entire semester, but that's ok.  There is a reason and I will accept God's will.